For obvious reasons (to many of us anyway), “On Your End,” “On My End” and “On Our End” should be shunned from all speech, e-mails, documents, and any and all communication.
It’s getting bad.
Whenever I read a business e-mail that ends with something like, “Keep me posted on your end,” I think of this scene from “The Great Outdoors” with John Candy:
That bear is not OK on his end
Jake Hoopes and I pulled all the “on (take your pick) end” statements from our inbox over the last year. Here are 52 of the highlights and our reactions to each. While some may seem a little juvenile, these are actual comments made by professionals in a wide variety of industries. We did not make this stuff up:
E-mails with ‘On Your End’
- There is not a problem on your end.
When you say it that way, yes, it is a big problem.
2. I also want to be clear that we have strong evidence of a breach on your end.
What? I take offense. There has never been a breach on my end.
3. We need to speak with one of your IT guys to get familiar with some of the technical points on your end.
Sorry, I don’t want you familiar with any of that.
4. Should a position become offered on your end, make sure you let me know.
Ummm … That’s not going to happen. Ever.
5. Can you track codes on your end?
Do you track them on yours?
6. I think we have what we need on your end.
I hope so.
7. Does this work for you or are things still a bit crazy on your end?
Frankly, that’s none of your business.
8. If you want to put that in place on your end I am fine with that…
First, that’s none of your business either. Second, I don’t need permission from you to do it.
9. Let me know if anything happens on your end.
When something happens on my end, I’ll be the only one to know.
10. Can you check to see if there were performance issues on your end?
I’ll worry about my own end’s performance issues!
11. It’ll be easy from your end.
What’s that supposed to mean?
12. Let me know how it looks on your end.
It always looks fantastic. Always.
13. I have my programmer looking into it more, but I thought it might be something on your end.
Keep your programmer to yourself, buddy.
14. Even if this may not be an optimal time to entertain new opportunities on your end, I’d still like to start a dialogue with an eye toward future opportunities.
Hey! Keep your eye turned the other way, bub.
15. Please ensure to make the necessary changes on your end …
Great advice. But my end is fine, thank you.
16. Would either of those options work on your end?
Ummm … no.
17. If I remember right, you set something up on your end so it would work properly.
You’re right. My end works perfectly. But how do you know?
18. How are things coming on your end?
Like I said before, things there are fantastic.
19. … by asking more specific questions on your end
What’s with the obsession?
20. Would your team be able to make it happen on your end?
Not on my end!
21. You would not need to do anything on your end other than show up.
I already do that all day long.
22. I just wanted to see where we are against the prepay on your end.
I’m still confused by what you mean with that.
23. To make this work, I would need some minor development support on your end.
How about we develop your end? Would you like that?
24. Hope all is well on your end
I would hope you wouldn’t care about my end.
25. Do you track codes on your end?
26. It’s easier for you to process on your end
How would you know?
27. Not too much text is required on your end
No text is required there at all!
28. Keep me posted on your end
I will keep you far away from my end, thank you.
29. Hope you are seeing that on your end
What? What’s on my end?
30. Not sure if this causes any problems on your end
This causes many problems, but not on my end.
31. What does it take on your end to get the most out of it?
32. I would like to get my arms around how things are going on your end
E-mails with ‘On My End’
- It will take several weeks on my end to create.
Glad it’s on yours and not mine.
34. Need anything else on my end?
Please no. Please no. Please no.
35. I should be able to make that happen on my end.
Well, of all people, you should know, I guess.
36. Something weird is happening on my end. What’s up?
What would ever make you think that I should know that?
37. Implement the changes on my end.
Implement your own changes!
38. I just want to get a few people on my end on the phone.
Well, to each their own, eh?
39. It was done on my end and didn’t give me anything like this.
I think that’s a personal problem. But I know a doctor …
40. It was firing correctly on my end over the weekend.
I would hope so. You should probably keep tabs on that, by the way — privately.
41. I’m a bit busy on my end, but I have time later today.
Oh, man. I’m busy later today. Actually, I’m all booked up for the next 10 years!
42. There are errors, but they are not on my end :p Somebody else caused it. (Yes, the author actually wrote that tongue smiley face)
Really, I don’t want to know about it.
43. Those are the exact numbers I will have here on my end.
The mere fact that you’re counting creeps me out a little.
E-mails with ‘On Our End’
- It takes a lot of effort on our end.
[Insert grunt here]
45. What do you need on our end to help facilitate this process
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
46. We need the ability to add on our end to take advantage of …
Stop right there! I’m sure you can take care of that on your own.
47. We need to know if it will be compatible for us to modify the form on our end.
Is that even possible? I’d be curious to know that, too …
48. This represents a substantial amount on our end.
That’s good, right? But keep the details to yourself.
49. I think we have what we need on our end.
That’s just fine. But do I really need to know that?
50. I’m happy to search for someone else on our end that can help
Go right ahead.
51. After repeated attempts on our end to engage with the client …
I’m surprised he didn’t fail miserably the first time.
52. He knows the week is on track on our end.
… I’m so confused I have no response for this one …
So, next time you’re tempted to write “on your end,” remember the pictures and suffering that term brings to many of us, and please don’t do it. For most sentences, you can just leave out those words and it means the same thing.
Keep me posted on your end, means the same thing as keep me posted. Similarly, Please ensure to make the necessary changes on your end, means the same thing as Please ensure to make the necessary changes.
You get the point from our end, I’m sure. So, take care of this small problem on your end and everyone else’s end will be much happier.
Are you annoyed by “on your end?” What other business terms need to go away?
One more thing, I know you want to watch the entire scene: